Tuesday, June 30, 2009

the holy land and the unholy deeds.

after 10 months abroad i have finally returned to the mother land! no... not russia... israel!!
when i arrived to the apartment at first dressed in my blue suit trying to make somethnig different
of the environment i left back home i was immediately pushed back into reality by E "what are you wearing? what are you a faggot?!" (no offence intended toward faggots) . i wanted to say "no i'm not a fucking faggot", but instead; took off the jacket and sat down to smoke some of the local stuff i missed so much... (i know i'm weak, but it's hydroponics... you try saying your not a fagot to give that up... don't judge me!!!)
and then everything came back to normal, staring at my big screen tv, stoned and drunk and happy.
now back to moderately priced alcohol and the biggest (per tel aviv)
amount of beautiful women to walk the earth.
now that, in my opinion, is the only reason jews or israelis are the chosen people/country
(honestly, i don't think anyone thought we really were chosen until bikinis were invented...)
some of god's angels must have come to tel aviv in the summer and stayed at the beach for a few hours.
(angel A: "Oh maan! would you look at that?! should we kill her and take her with us?"
angel B: "naaah man... she's still a virgin, wouldn't want those terrorists getting her right? let's just wait for a while...")
this is un-fucking believable! especially after coming back from India. just walking around in the streets and smiling like an idiot. that probably took most of my 2 weeks there. i love this city!
I got there because some friends and family members forgot how much they hate me and decided they want to be reminded about it, so they bought me a round trip ticket to israel and back to india just to make sure. (haha! what done is done! stupid...)
as loyal readers already know i never say no to free stuff, let alone a free flight. so there i was. with my new suit at the arrivals terminal in israel... hugging and kissing anyone unlucky enough to come in my way.
after the formalities i was lovingly kidnapped by my parents to the wasteland which some people call a social desert and others (city council...) call a social settlement.
i spent a night in family solitude and moved on to greater and much more socially pleasing areas. e.g tel aviv.
the beating heart of Israel and the middle east (at least...). Moving back to my old apartment i realized that life is different when you are un-employed and most of your friends are busy students or working cooperative bees...( you know who you are! you slaves of Americanization you!!!)
Obviously that didn't stop me from getting drunk daily and enjoying the free city life
i so much needed and deserved.
the beaches as i mentioned earlier were just one of the many reasons to come back from a vacation to a different vacation several thousand miles away.
my 2 games of matkot during the 2 weeks reminded me how come i stayed in shape in israel. and that really is all that kept me from being the skin and bone i am today. (don't look at me! i'm almost hideous!!!)
i've visited most of the holy places in israel during my stay obviously... (me being a very religious person)
i've been to la champa bar to attend the ceremony of cava drinking and getting too drunk at least 3 times.
been to the holy city of jerusalem to visit holy love and drinking shrines...
and who could possibly forget my visit to the not so holy but good food and free vodka shots shrine headed by T.
T is an old acquaintance of mine from a time of hard work and desperate struggle for money (convincing people to buy things they don't need is never easy...) so we met with a few friends in the bar she works at.
one shot of vodka led to another to a total of 13. 2 beers accompanied those 13 and one benny became kind of intoxicated. we moved out of there swaying from side to side back to T's apartment for a puff. we made it
with the help of a friendly taxi driver and sat down for a smoke. Z at that point (we have me... T,O and Z) was laying down on the sofa, giggled for 40 seconds and puked for 3 minutes.
she was taken to the shower, puked for another 10 minutes giggling senselessly while me and O were busy
making sure were high enough to stay drunk enough.
Z was then taken to the bed, puked there for 5 more times and moved back to the shower. (she's also available for house and room puke painting, contact me in person for additional info)
at this point i looked at O trying to listen to what he says and all of a sudden the whole room moved a little to the right. i held my head and shaked it, everything was aligned again. 2 minutes pass and the same thing happens.
T walks out of the shower, i smile at her, i get up and walk to the toilet. i look down, i let go of my insides and spill them all over the toilet. and now to the word of advice: try to stay as close to the bowl as possible when that happens. i puked once and it took me 5 seconds. it took me another 10 minutes to clean the walls of the toilet which were filled with particles of green beans and stuff... i stumbled back home afterwards and a few days later re-visited the cava shrine for my goodbye party. getting inside my costume suit again i was kept in a drunken state for a few hours couldn't really tell you too much about that party except it was touching but only in a mental way. (again with the sexual connotations... I'm horrible...)
the next and last day we went out to another place and this time B has decided he's keeping me up untill dawn. so we were walking aimlessly around tel aviv sometimes drinking sometimes eating until we got to a place that simply refused to notice we are there and made me thank god for it and convinced me it's time to sleep.
the next day i took a train to the airport and from here a new traveling and luggage saga begins. stay tuned
and keep your browsers on target!

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