Sunday, July 6, 2014

You just woke up disoriented and with this bracelet on your arm?

That means you've been to fusion.
It's ok if you don't remember, but the name should ring a bell as a place you were planning to go to a few weeks back. 
Here area few other symptoms you might be experiencing which should convince you I know what i'm talking about.

Your joints (the body ones! your smokables are safe in the drawer you put them in) - you can hear a light squeaking or cracking sound in between your joints when you lie still for more than a minute - this is fine. Well, it's probably very very bad, but it's fine because there is a reason for it. The reason being that you probably haven't stopped moving for about 5 days straight, which should not be "fine" or "cool" (as the kids say these days) with your body unless you take a shit load of drugs.
Which... brings me to my next point.
Whatever your poison is, and I judge no substance as I do no wo(man), you probably took a lot more in a lot less time than you ever did before. This in turn, as was to be expected by the pre-fusion you who probably forgot to give a fuck, is extremely awesome for the version of you which you have no memory of, but also a very classic dick move by that very same guy.
What to do? Drug switch! switch to legal drugs for a while. whatever you can get; aspirin, advil, herbal tea (the one that makes you go poop) swallow as many as you can without crossing the suicide line*. and then, sleep. sleep like you never slept before. (Do not die!)

*important side note - I have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about and if you die overdosing on aspirin it's because you are stupid and it's your own fault.

Con-fusion -  You may miss out on parts of conversations, forget words you thought you knew, mis-read human reactions to what you do or say and in general look to the outside world anywhere between weird and retarded.
What to do? Don't worry about this one. It's just you getting used to the boring pointless rules of society again. Fusion had you surrounded by people who were constantly happy and excited about stuff. Now most of the people you see are just waiting to finish their day so they can watch another episode of something that looks and sounds like a thousand things they saw and heard before.

legs - those will hurt. a lot. and they should. because unless you are a professional stomping and jumping athlete (those exist, somewhere) your legs are not built for those repetitive movements to be performed for that long.
What to do? find a Thai person (or just a person who can perform Thai massage) and ask her/him to dislocate and relocate every bone in your body right after she finishes mashing back into human form what is left of your muscles. (You can also lie on a road and let a truck run over you, effects are similar and it's cheaper) in the meantime, don't walk! anywhere! Give your feet a vacation. Don't dance. Even if your body is moving around. Slap yourself in the face as hard as you can. Maybe use a shoe so as to make it more memorable. Stay. Put. Relax!

Constantly feeling half dead - You are TIRED! as FUCK! you WILL fall asleep at every occasion. This situation will continue for a few days. 
What to do? regardless of how many hours of healthy amazing (aspirin induced?) sleep you get. It will not be enough. You need a week to get all the awesome out of your system. That "awesome" tells your body that if go back to sleep maybe you will wake up back in fusion. You won't. Life is samsara and the suffering will continue until your rebirth in June 2015. Lucky for you the zombie look is making a comeback in recent years.

Techno - you cannot hear it anymore. Not in the magical sense that it disappears from the world, no. in the very real sense of feeling like your body rejecting a transplanted organ. Only this time it's sound. See, your head, it has been hearing techno non stop for days now. days! Even if you think you listened to something else, it was always there, lurking, beating, injecting bass into your tired easily infiltrated brain. 
What to do? Now it's rehabilitation time. try something with less bass. maybe some classic rock ballads or some bach or schuman. those will sound alien and weird at first but after a few hours of therapy you might be able to maybe, just maybe, go to another berlin party in a week or two.

un-warranted feeling of sadness - walking down the street you might get the so called flashback. it's not one of those somewhat mythical and highly controversial LSD ones but rather a very much real and common "oh, this actually happened to me and it was awesome!" one. these can be triggered by any display of happiness by the people around you.
What to do? To get rid of the aforementioned sadness maybe try and stay at home for a few days with zero human contact and no romantic comedies. Those are just bad, fusion or no fusion. (except for Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, gondry is awesome)
Another very important un-sadness tip is to STAY AWAY from anything shiny! I cannot emphasize this enough. shiny things are the best and the best things are fusion things and fusion things will make you nostalgic and sad. Go to a dark or at the very least very badly lit bar. meet a guy who has been drunk for 10 years now and has never left his city. become best friends with him for 2 weeks until it all passes.

Perception of time - for the next days after the festival people you meet who seem to remember you disappeared for a few days, and for some reason remember where to, will ask you: "so, how was it?"
your automatic response will be "what" but at this point you should already understand and remember where you've been and will try to answer but come up with nothing. and they will try to push for an answer with questions like "what did you do there? on the first day for example" and all you can remember is setting up the camp (vaguely, vaguely...) and then a blur of colors, emotions, music with absolutely no time stamp on any of them. You might remember picking up the program and choosing things to go to, and then another memory of throwing that shit away and just walking around swaying from side to side for hours to wherever the music is playing with the occasional Dixie stop.
What to do? don't worry about it. perception of time is an overrated concept. who cares what happened when? as long as things keep happening you are either alive or a part of some robot/alien/some rich guy simulation, enjoy the ride.

glitter - when you woke up this morning after cleaning up the saliva from the side of your mouth you noticed something blinking at you from your pillow. that's glitter. if you go to the toilet and look at your face again and move it from side to side to the light of your bathroom mirror you will notice endless particles of this sparkling material. it. will. be. everywhere.
What to do? getting rid of the glitter will take anywhere between 10-15 showers. if you need to get to work soon I would advise to just go to a pool and swim for a few hours. Make sure you swim HARD! (which is the same as playing hard. In that it means absolutely nothing and is just a way for a person to prove he is a douche by saying it)

But honestly, all of this is all bullshit. The only thing you NEED to do is put a reminder for December to buy a ticket for fusion 2015.
I'll see you there.